I’m tired. If you followed me around you’d hear me mumbling a lot: “I’m tired. I’m tired. Wait, did I say that already?” I don’t get enough sleep at night because of chronic sciatica from a twisted spine. Some nights are better than others, but it’s never perfect. Sometimes it’s, “I’m tired and my back hurts,” or “My back hurts and I’m tired” for variety.
The thing is though, I’m not always tired, even when I say that to myself. So why do I? Well, I think a lot of times, I’m really saying more than just “I’m tired.” I’m saying, “I’m anxious. I’m discouraged. I’m frustrated. I’m annoyed with myself and others.”
I worry about everything. The little things and the big things. I nit-pick. I obsess. I beat myself up. “Did I do this or that just right? Did I grovel enough for this or that mistake? Is everything okay? If it’s not, is it my fault?” (It often takes me a long time to let myself believe that something ISN’T my fault, even when it quite obviously isn’t. Instead I make excuses for everyone else.)
I care about everything. In some ways this is good, because it means I have a very large, tender heart. But in some ways this is bad, because it means that I care at times when it’s wiser, better and healthier not to care.
I know the Bible doesn’t say that worriers shall have their part in the lake of fire along with murderers and what-not, but I know I’m not supposed to do it. Jesus said I’m not supposed to do it. He said, “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” In other words, don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. And don’t borrow unnecessary trouble.
That’s exactly what I do. Some things I worry about legitimately. I do have truly heavy burdens on my heart that keep me plenty worried for a good reason, sometimes to the point where everything else doesn’t seem to matter. But there are other times when I borrow unnecessary trouble, because I care too much about things to let them go. “Don’t sweat the small stuff” was never assimilated into my brain. And let me tell you, it’s exhausting.
And maybe that’s why I’m so tired all the time. I worry, care and think too much about things and people I don’t need to knock myself out worrying, caring and thinking about. (Wow, that was a clunky sentence.) I need to enjoy this peaceful time in my life while I have it. Later I’ll have to care about more things. But not yet. I can relax for now. I can let tomorrow take care of itself. And even in the days to come when I will have still more reasons to worry, I can let the anxiety melt away if I trust that God knows me, my heart, and my future.
And so can you.
By the way, I think this is a blog post that speaks to me where I’m at right now, and if you’re like me it may be helpful for you too.